could take it till i die

but if i just keep eating pills, rationing the little balls of XR into glasses of coke a cola, where if the cola is cold, the balls will all bounce up and down in a heavenly equilibrium until the liquid warms up and the real acidic effects take place dissolving the adderall into the drink for perfection.

normally i take an XR and crush a tab into the coke a cola, learned the trick from my writing tutor first semester of college. he said he would get naked to do it, or that a guy he knew did, that was his process, and wrote on speed until he finally fell apart.

makes me want to call old girlfriends, my parents, my siblings, apologizing at 6am, because i was up writing all night about not being able to fully get my guilt off my chest.

makes me think that the jetsons “meal in a pill” isn’t as far away, and really already been here the whole time. 

like that it makes me not eat, that eating makes me feel disgusting, but i can smoke cigarettes like nobodies business, it doesn’t hurt, my lungs might pain from my heart trying to explode, but a pack of pall malls stands no chance, even with me typing 100 words per minute while smoking. i’m like a machine.

makes me have multiple things going on in my writing at once, themes are more prevalent, metaphors more organic, impaling words that string together images so much more brutal and faster than my normal writing. taking prisoners only to sacrifice them one by one, until the last kneel there and ask him to be my companion forever, like a wife who takes the abuse, we’ll have an intense connection that most can’t dig into.

makes me want to call up new girlfriends, the fake ones i have in my head because i am not mature or man enough to woo someone anymore, tired of trying so hard, not even that hard, just changing my behavior from scumball to sleazebag to deadbeat to off beat to beat nik to anything acceptable. 

don’t even recognize that wanting to stay up for a week and a half is not normal, that trying to stay awake for a month is a huge binge.

i started a new book about having fun and getting robbed morally, emotionally, and how to strike back.

sometimes it makes me slow down. makes me thorough, and extensive.

really don’t want to live without it. 

totally see what phillip k. dick was talking about taking adderall to stay up all night writing on end until death do you and the keys apart.